19th
run-in with Hampton
We recently ran into celebrity blogger to the stars Hamptom, former proprietor of Fun Party Photo Party Orgy Blog, on the street. Or rather we saw him. This was on West 17th Street of all places.
“Hampton!” we cried. He didn’t turn around. Hampton is about six foot five and comes in at around 250, so he’s a little hard to miss.”Hampton!”
Nothing. We gave chase. He seemed to speed up. But we’re in better shape than Hampton, from all those fitness rooms on our book tour, and finally we pulled up aside him.
Hampton, man, what happened?
[Silence, glaring. Heavy breathing.]
Didn’t you hear me?
I heard you.
Well, it’s good I caught up with you … what are you doing around here?
I’m giving a seminar on blogging and the Talmud at YIVO.
Oh. OK.
The Talmud was a Tumblr.
That’s interesting. You know [brightening], I have some news on that front actually!
[Silence.]
Maybe you know about it!
[Glaring.]
I have a blog now too!
I know.
You do? Wow. Well. I’m eager to know what you think.
Your blog sucks.
Oh.
Your blog really sucks. I hate your blog.
Oh. But I learned so much from you.
You didn’t learn from me. When I was writing my blog I was in pain. I was living under the desk at the n+1 office. I was miserable. I was angry. I was bitter. I hated the universe.
I hate the universe.
You? You started your blog because someone accused you of drinking a latte.
I’ve never had a latte!
[Silence.]
OK.
Happy people don’t blog.
…
Rich people don’t blog. Happy people don’t blog. Successful people don’t blog.
I’m not any of those things.
But you’re those things enough, man. You wrote your book out of pain, and that’s why your book doesn’t suck. I don’t care what these people say. Whereas this blog is just the result of pique and wounded vanity.
…
Look. There’s a system. The system is in place. It’s not the worst system in the world. It’s not the best. But it’s not the worst. It’s collapsing from lack of confidence. And because it’s vain. It’s vain and over-sensitive and deluded. Like you! But it’s got a few more years to go. You’re in the system, somehow. Somehow or other you are. Now let it happen. Let it do for you what it can. And then get out. But this thing you’re doing—it’s screwed up. You don’t belong here. You haven’t felt like we’ve felt and you haven’t been through what we’ve been through.
So …
So shut the fuck up.
